attached to the membrane

The Journey Within

2011-09-25T19:52:00.000-04:00

I find myself very close to my car these days. I spend lots of time in it traveling from place to place; school, work, home, all over the tri-state area. I spend alot of time listening to sports, music, on the phone with friends and family, but sometimes I need something else. All of these things, the car, the sounds, the people, the road, it is all just an illusion, some of it makes me feel good and some not so good. The only thing that truly exists is the moment are the thoughts that are existing in the moment. I have no control over anything else in life. I can just control my thoughts, my words, and my actions at this very moment. That sentence right there should be the only existence, the only thing that matters. In the reality of the world we live in however, this is very difficult. We work desperately not to be bogged down by the disappointments of the past or not to be paralyzed by the worries of the future. I believe that we chose the lives that we live and that one day we will all be changed into universal energy from where we came. This life is a blink of an eye in the grand scheme of things. If that is true, if this life is just a blink of an eye, a dream, then what is there to lose? Whatever desires that we have we should not be afraid, of, we should manifest them as fast as we can think them. If I look inside, if I take the journey within, I can see very clearly my desires. My desire to have a happy marriage, my desire to be wealthy, my desire to have more children, my desire to be creative, my desire to complete a tri-athalon, my desire to live life to the fullest all of the time. Its simple, as it should be.

The Journey Inside

2011-07-21T20:20:00.000-04:00

What does the journey towards self-awareness teach us about ourselves? When I look inside to the center of my mind, body and soul what do I see?

I feel a warm glowing green light; I always have. There were points in my life when it was a dull hue. It was once a bright universe that over-whelmed the very essence of who I was, am and will be. It is the essence that has traveled with me from the very beginning of my soul. My soul has been around for centuries waiting for a moment in time such as this one when I could truly understand who I am, what I want, and my purpose for existence.

In past lives I was a great person; a warrior and a healer. I was a person who made a difference. But obviously there is still something I was missing, a challenge I either had yet to face, or I've faced and have failed, or had not seen.

Now I'm in my vortex, feeling the true vibration of my being. Its glorious. Everything that I have dreamed of is within my grasp. I just have to take that final step to reach that next level of existence.

At this moment in time the past and the future play no role in my journey. All that counts is this moment in time that feels like a twisting stream of green energy throughout every part of my physical and non-physical being. It is a universe that is ever expanding and reacting to the various worlds and objects that I come in contact with, that are within my orbit.

I have a vision of what my life is and what is going to become and I am content that I am where I want to be. Will there be challenges? Yes, of course, for after all, I chose this life. Today, it is just a matter of how I face those challenges. I choose to face them in a positive allowing act of inertial; like a river not breaking stride in the midst of rapids.

Every experience has brought me to this point of time. Every experience has taught me a valuable lesson. I do not regret. I give gratitude to every experience that I have passed through.

I have learned to recognize passion and true love. I have learned to truly listen and be a compassionate friend. I have learned to forgive past misfortunes and release my restrictions. I have learned that my voice has meaning and my soul is allowed to feel joy and sorrow. I embrace all these aspects of who I am. I embrace life now and forever.

2 stories

2011-06-21T20:52:00.000-04:00

The other day I decided to take a walk. I walked down Steinway Street in Astoria, Queens. The day was hot and humid and the street was crowded with shoppers. My plan was to go to the Vitamin store and do some casual walking. On my way to the vitamin store a tiny Asian novelty store caught my eye. I decided to go in.

A small woman sat in a lawn chair right in the middle of the store. The store contained beautiful jewelry, novelty items, souvenirs, and wisdom.

A necklace caught my eye and I asked the lady if I could see them. She pulled out the tray and would not hand me the necklace. She told me that only I could make that decision. It had to be something that was attracted to my heart. One stood out. As I picked it up I immediately felt its energy and my body was drawn to it. I asked the woman about the necklace and she went into great detail describing it spiritual significance.

She looked into my eyes and asked what year I was born. I told her. She said "Oh, you are a dragon, and a strong one!!" With that she grabbed my hands, flipped them over, and proceeded to tell me my destiny.

In the past, my life was so dark I refused to believe in destiny. I was afraid that the rest of my life would be held in misery and walking on egg shells; never walking down my true path in life.

The woman continued to tell me that every spirit, when it enters this world, chooses their destiny. She told me that I have two stories in life and one has just ended and the next one has begun. I know this to be truth, because my soul has felt this as well.

The first story, although my own, was narrated by some one else, maybe more than one other person. I do know, however, that neither person was me, and neither person ever really knew me.

This next story has started out with my own voice. At first I did not recognize it, because I had never heard it, or if I did it was a distant echo. It's sweet and peaceful.

In this new story I have discovered self; all sides of it. I've opened up my energy and my vibrations to the universe, which was kind enough to help me attract love, true love.

My first story was hard, and rigid, with few sweet spots. It was like driving down a road that has not been repaired in years, left to neglect. When you drive down that road you would fear the potholes and unexpected dangers might destroy your car. Would the car survive?

The new story makes me think of walking down a path in the woods. Each step mindful or the last. Each breath drinking in life and vitality. Clarity and stimulation around each bend in the trail. I now appreciate the stars and the salty ocean air. As my walls crumble down and my eys open up excitement and contentment fill my heart with joy.

I didn't need that women to tell me my destiny. I already know my destiny. I've known it all along. Namaste.

Suffering

2011-06-12T17:15:00.000-04:00

When my walls came crashing down I started on a journey; one of spirituality and freedom. I experienced strength, wisdom, calmness, clarity, and happiness. Some were pure for the first time in my life. But there was something that I kept dancing around.

As I would walk through my shadows I would always pass by this unsightly plant. The plant did not seem to grow or wither, it just was. It was the size of a medium bush, with dark leaves and thorns. It was my suffering. I walked past it daily peering at it through my peripherals. I dared not look at it directly for fear.

Recently, on my walk through the shadows I bumped into this bush. I came face to face with this suffering, acknowledging it truly for the first time. A rush of fear, sadness, anger, depression and guilt stung my body, soul, and mind. What could I do? Run away and let my wounds heal? If I did that the bush would still remain; ready to harm me in the future.

I decided to sit in front of the bush in silent contemplation--Staring at it like it was a flickering light. Accepting it, listening to it, and absorbing every detail.

In life I am afraid of little. Death and pain do not scare me in the least. For a long time, however, I was afraid of what was inside. What was once a mountain of fear and suffering in my mind, is now simply a bush that I can talk to. It is a symbol that brings me closer to my own self-awareness. It is letting me break down those walls in my mind that have stood in the shadows of my suffering.

What I'm coming to realize is that it is ok to meditate and learn from the shadows as well. By confronting and acknowledging the suffering I can detach from it to become closer to it to better understand it to relieve the suffering.

Sometimes it just takes the simple flicker of a candle to enlighten a place that was dark. It is always interesting to find that sometimes what lies in the dark is only a figment of the mind that can be learned from and changed.

Sustainability

2011-05-14T21:43:00.000-04:00

Recently certain events have transformed my life in ways that I never would have imagined. My expectations of divorce, while married, were a total destruction of me. I felt as though I would be lost in a life that doesn't belong to me. I have found the complete opposite. I have found myself, for maybe the first time ever. I have found a strength and a balance that I always knew was there--but never came out. It is both peaceful and exciting. It might be cliche, but I see the world as one big opportunity and not as four walls closing in on me.

I have been on a journey that has taught me how to live through meditation and intellectual stimulation. Through a brief cognitive metamorphosis I have realized that a greater change in society is possible. Sustainability, or maybe even a reversal in the destruction of this planet is not only a must, but a possibility.

I try every day to apply what I've learned through meditation to everyday life--to detach my mind from the reality that surrounds me. Oddly enough I feel as though going through this process brings me closer to those things that I'm detaching from; maybe gaining a better perspective on what they really are, or what their purpose really is.

By doing this I see a world full of dichotomy and gluttony. No one is to blame. When I see these things I, strangely, don't get mad or sad. I see the opportunity for change. I hear people talk about how they are slaves to their jobs and how the only reason that they work is to pay bills. Les masses sont mécontentes.

Our way of life works us to death; literally--and this is in the glutinous Western world that has everything to begin with!! There has to be a way to live that satisfies everyone. Where everyone has satisfying lives, where the planet and other species are treated with respect and where war and violence are bedtime stories.

The more time I spend on this journey the more I realize that the path that I'm traveling on is no accident. Is it a coincidence or a glimmer of fate? Lets see what tomorrow holds.

Something like a bunch of words

2011-05-04T09:27:00.000-04:00

I've never surfed before, tried a couple of times, maybe will try again. I do find the thought of using a fiberglass board as an instrument to capture the rush of nature. Something about focusing on balance with the distraction of ocean spray, other surfers, the speed and height of the wave intrigues me. We know that there is a goal and an end, but we're sometimes unsure of the journey. We know there will be a rush and a crash and that solid ground is on the horizon (or under our feet).

Life was stagnant for a long time. Looking back I was that hamster on the wheel; always running, but never getting anyplace. Suddenly the wheel is gone and so are the glass walls. Exploring the new environment is both exciting and scary; more exciting though.

The other day I went into Manhattan. I arrived at 42 Street and had to be at 79th Street in 45 minutes. I decided to walk. Walking meditation. Noticing that we, as humans, are walking oxymorons--All the same, but as different as snowflakes; obvious. Other surfers.

Catharsis

2011-04-23T23:00:00.000-04:00

My whole life I have been burdened by the weight of other people. I've looked for approval in the eyes and hearts of other people. I don't know when it happened, but at some point in my life I blinded myself. I blinded myself to the reality of who I really am. I've allowed myself to be guided by other people's arrogance and emotion. My fault or others, it doesn't matter anymore. What matters is where I am right now in the present moment. I've found comfort in other people as a catharsis through this part of the journey. Not using them as a crutch, but just companions.

I rose out of the ashes only to have my wings melted and fall back to earth. My evolution is now ready to begin with my feet on the ground and with my ascent assured. I'm content to live in patience and inertia. I'm confident in the road forward and not backward into the chaos that is not knowing who one is.

There is fear in having to figure out who one is at this stage in life. There is also excitement in knowing that some people do not get a second chance and this is mine. I'm confident that this will be a satisfying process.

My sadness comes from the disappointment I have in other people. Also my fault for having overinflated expectations other people. I'm learning, however, to only have expectations of myself and those expectations can be as high as I want them to be.

Catharsis is a cleansing. A cleansing of the mind, soul, and heart. A necessary part of life that we take for granted. Not anymore.

Into the Mist

2011-04-20T19:12:00.000-04:00

This morning I was sitting in my car waiting. What am I waiting for? I looked out across the dashboard to the outside world. After an acre of sand, waves emerged from the mist and crashed into the shore. Turning down Kanye, I threw a toothpick in my mouth, grabbed my camera and ventured out into the morning.

The air stung cold, but was tolerable. I put my hood up and strolled from the pavement to the boardwalk to the sand to the shore. What am I looking for? I strolled slowly on the hard sand watching the waves crash and the seagulls parting before me. Dew stuck to my beard, I inhaled the salty air deeply so it could penetrate my inner child. The child who had hoped to design space ships and play with giants.

I knelt on the sand and focused my digital. What will this image mean? Feelings, unlike photographs, change as quickly as the waves crash around me. Some of the water retreats, some soaks into the sand.

Finding ones self is like waiting for something to emerge from the mist. Maybe the answer lies in the dew on my beard and the salt in my nose, and not in the cloud beyond the waves.

All I know is that for the first time in a long time my feet aren't wet and the forecast is for sun. The trick is being patient enough not to jump into the mist.

Blinded by the light...

2011-04-14T15:38:00.000-04:00

For the longest time I sat it my cave and pretended that the world and the sun did not exist. It was damp, cold, and dark, but comfortable. The sound of water running and falling onto smooth stone was at first soothing, but turned quickly to piercing and torturous. Finally, it just helped to numb my soul..................

I recently had a dream, sunny and bright, fresh and new. I was wandering through a field with lots of small farms. People were inspecting their crops happily, and I would just float on by with pure admiration. I ended up in front of sown dirt with a bag of seeds. The smell of the soil penetrated my being. I started planting the seeds. I've never had this dream before.

In a strange coincidence, I recently had a very deep conversation with a person who I have great respect for spiritually. We were discussing karmic qualities in our present day lives. He explained to me, very vividly, that karma is like planting the seeds to our future. Basically, how we proceed in every part of our life will have an impact on the future; whether distant or not. (Note: karma transcends time, place and person, maybe not even our own, or so I understand)

I've always been fascinated by gardening, planting, and nature. There is something very spiritual about thinking about how life can grow from such a seemingly small package.

..........The water in the cave started rushing faster and faster. I felt the air disappearing and began to hear the stone around me crack. The thought of suffocation or being crushed to death actually appealed to me. As the ceiling started to crumble and the shards of shale started to penetrate my skin I welcomed the end. Crushing darkness enveloped me, my nostrils filled with the acrid smell of death. In that last moment I decided to open my eyes. As the dust cleared and I regained my sense of balance and I could see a glimmer of blue sky. Pulling myself out of the rubble was easier than I thought.

As I rub the blindness out of my eyes, I pick up my bag of seeds, inhale the scent of soil, and set off to find my garden.

Now and the greater now

2011-02-05T23:35:00.000-05:00

I read Siddhartha, by Herman Hesse, three times before I grasped the concept that there is no self. The first two times I just didn't understand what that meant, or I didn't want to understand. When I figured it out the meaning hit me like a wall in my mind crashing down on me. There is no self because self is a concept that is idle; it never moves. We are constantly changing and moving and breathing. There is nothing constant about us, even though we think there is.

Benjamin Franklin once said that the only thing certain is life is death and taxes. While that may be true change is also a certainty.

Reflecting on life I believe this concept, but I believe in more as well. I've tried to apply this idea of no self. It is most difficult. I've begun to realize that maybe if I was a monk, secluded from the world I could achieve this.

There are flaws to this plan however. Living a western, suburban life does not lend itself to this aspiration.

I think that it is more appropriate to include past characteristics and future aspirations in this way of thinking. Although these things do not exist, and never will, there is precious little time to come to terms with them.

There is no self, but I fear that apparitions from the past and fantasies of the future will always haunt my life.

Mosquitoes sting and leave welts. Next time we see one we're twice shy. The weatherman calls for rain and sun is out.

What's real and what's not is all a matter of what is happening now....And sometimes I don't even know that.

Why writing is an enigma?

2010-09-11T22:29:00.000-04:00

The definition of a cliche is "a trite, stereotyped expression; a sentence or phrase, usually expressing a popular or common thought or idea, that has lost originality, ingenuity, and impact by long overuse."
Rather than face fear or use the confidence that I know is inside this body and mind I rely on cliche to get me through my days and nights. I self-depricate to get to the puch line about me before others do. I'm corny, but tough and good-natured. I rock the grung look ten years after it was in. I use it to my advantage, seemingly not to care what people think about the ripped jeans and over-used collared golf shirts. I try to emit the persona that this look works for me, when in reality I'm not trying to rock a look or be retro. There the only clothes I have. All other things being equal, clothes shopping for myself has not been a priority in my life, eventhough I know most people who see me are judging me on how I look. It's a constant source of obvious ignoration in my life that I always fantasize about changing, but never do.
I encounter many different people every day between work, the commute and home. I judge all of them. Anyone who says they don't judge other people is a liar. I don't want to judge, I just do. "People in glass houses shouldn't throw rocks", right? I've never seen a glass house and if I did it might just be too tempting not to hurl a stone or two.
Neitchze talked about life as an illusion, or at least most of what we are faced with in life is an illusion. Religion, media, government, all illusion. These words I type need to be stripped naked and taken for what they are worth; nothing. My words are an illusion the moment they are transfered from my thoughts to this page. This piece of internet, a virtual reality. "Virtual" meaning not real.
A cliche. A cliche is nothing more than the easy way out. Cliches are part of the illusion of life. I do know that there are moments in life that are real. As real as slicing your finger to the bone with a box cutter when all you wanted was a screwdriver. As real as the ripples on a lake. As real as a child's concern when they learn what it means to die. The real moments aren't told to us by some supposed authority, we experience them. My only authority is my skin, my tongue, my ears, and my eyes. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." I guess sometimes it does work.

They call the Rising Sun.....

2010-09-05T23:18:00.000-04:00

As a teacher I get to renew and reflect during the summer. This past week I went back to work. We didn't have students yet and the roads were relatively uncrowded so I decided to drive for most of the week instead of take the train. My path to work leads me away from the sunrise.
I would pick up my bagel and cup of coffee and head out. The radio was telling me about the Mets, the Yankees, the four alarm fire in a project in the Bronx, and the half hour wait on the Van Wyck. Staying in the lane is difficult when the caffiene hasn't kicked in yet and cars are flying past you so their riders can get to their job that they hate faster. I have precious little time to site see.
I glance in the rear view mirror as habbit, rather than courtesy. I see a glowing orange orb still married to the horizon wink at me. If I were to read all texts dedicated to the sun it would probably take me twenty lifetimes and then some. The sun gives life and takes it away on a daily basis. We are all connected to it, drawn to it, worship it in our owm way.
The sun reminds me of the begining and that nothing is permanent. We all look to prove our own strength, our own worth as compared to others around us. The insignificance of this is proven with one small glance at the sun.
It's mythical, constant, and unrelenting--like life. It brightens our spirits and burns our ground. Without it we die.
That one glance for me has stuck in my visual memory for some time now. I don't know why. All I could think about was the beauty of that moment, that glance. It makes me think of the beauty of my children, my wife, great works of art, verses from a certain song, or line from a poem. With all the harshness that infects this world there is beauty that balances it. I just wish I took advantage of that equilibrium more often.

Riding the Dragon

2010-08-13T21:57:00.001-04:00

It took me reading Siddhartha three times and ten years to understand what Hesse meant by the concept of "there is no self." Because we experience we change, because we change we as people are not set in stone; there is no one definition of who we are as people . However, what I've learned about Buddhism is that it is like an onion, every concept has many layers. Reading the Dali Lama, he takes it a step further, or rather clarifies it by saying, yes there is a self, a foundation of who we are at the core, just like the core of the earth. But like the earth, the outer layer is constantly changing, moving, evolving in ways that are beyond our understanding.

Of course to come to this understanding Siddhartha had to go through a metamorphasis himself where he discovered suffering, basically the first step on the path to Nirvana; probably the most important one. I've been trying to think about my own suffering lately. It sounds easy, identifying your own suffering. Tonight I meditated on identifying my own suffering. I thought it would be easy and I could say to myself I suffer from A,B, and C, but again, the onion. I feel as though I only scratched the surface of my own suffering, not disappionting, but revealing and invigorating. When doing deep reflection the mind is unpredictable and takes you places you wouldn't expect to go.

The Dali Lama, in the Heart Sutra, talks about our suffering as empty, that we are all empty. Again the onion. We're not empty literally, or even in most of the figurative universe, but our suffering is empty (in my own interpretation). Our suffering holds this power over us that makes us angry, frustrated, depressed, and anxious. But, in most cases the suffering exists only in our mind and is a remnant of something that has happened in the past that still confuses and haunts us. How do you tell your suffering to leave? How do you free your mind from the suffering and start on the path to happiness?

Meditating, being on the path to end suffering and begin happiness is called Riding the Dragon. Its a curious phrase considering that Dragons evoke feelings of fear and death. But then I guess that alot of suffering comes from common fear and unlimately death. Confronting those fears and being able to control them is the key to conquering them, i.e. Riding the Dragon. Maybe thats where the phrase "Its not about the destination, but the journey" comes from. Enjoy the ride.

House Cleaning

2010-07-16T11:07:00.000-04:00

The mental list in my head has nothing to do with spiritual well-being or mental wellness. It has to do with laundry, healing my foot, making lunch, and packing little school-bags. When my tasks are complete there's a mild satisfaction that I don't have to repeat the process for another 24 hours. My shallowness can rest easy.

But something lurks in the deep, dark, trenches of my mind. Sadness, depression, maybe something smaller than my mind's eye makes it out to be. I take my small issues and pump them full of hot air and bullshit that create's a Hindenburg scenario, destined to crash and burn. Why does my mind do this? Why do I wallow? Why do I let small things affect my happiness?

If I were able to step outside my body and magnify my life and get an outside perspective, what would I see? I might see on the surface a fairly good looking chap, with a decent sense and humor and a sprinkling, only a sprinkling, of confidence. If I watched myself a little longer I might see a very compassionate, caring, understanding and calm person with tendencies to be whiny, needy, and lack some self-confidence from time to time.

I can deal with all of that. I just have to stop the melodrama that put me in compromising moods. I guess its just a matter of being in a correct mental state to not react to people defensively or aggressively.

The Trip

2010-06-13T21:54:00.000-04:00

On my way to work the other day, as the sun was rising, I saw a twelve year old girl trip on a piece of concrete. Her momentum gave her precious little time to brace for the impact. Her knees and hands hit first, followed quickly by her forehead. It took her a few seconds to register what had happened. She rose to her knees, then stood assessing the damage. From my vantage point I could see the early morning sun reflecting off her wounds.
The first of her expressions to follow was that of shock and regret. The regret of not slowing down, or not leaving a little earlier, or not living in a place filled with concrete. The pain registered and was soon followed by a slow stream of silent tears, for there was no one to listen.
Blink and another painful memory in her life and an even quicker departure from my conscience fades into time. Mine just a reminder of the human experience, hers a notch on the post of a tortured existence that seems to have forgotten twelve year old girls in this neighborhood. Fairness is a word used by politicians and preachers, but not by too old boyfriends and step-parents. Life is about reality and not about mystical fantasies of "what ifs?"
A taste of concrete may be sweeter that the alternative. Never underestimate persepctive.

Fluid

2010-03-30T21:33:00.000-04:00

Life is fluid, a babbling brook that stops for nothing, neither great, nor small. This reality comforts me and scares me at the same time. I know that dangerous times will pass, but so will the great ones.

As the river turns and witnesses a new scene so I have changed and grown within that same curve. The serious has been forged dull in the experience of life and it is now easier to enjoy a child's smile and easier to comfort a scraped knee's tears.

I have wondered and assumed to the point of believing a paranoid reality, when the truth speaks in the witness of my senses, in the blink of a down-turned eye or a mellowed tone in a conversation.

I've lived the life of the "What if" and the "Maybe when", and have accomplished neither.

A friend from law school once told me a story of his trip to Vietnam. He explained to me the most spiritual experience of his journey. He told me that one day, he took a break from partying, smoked a joint and rented an inner-tube and just floated down a river lined with jungle trees and jungle sounds. He explained that it was the calmest experience of his life. His eyes revealed the truth in his words. There was no exaggeration or need to boast, there was just the reminiscence of tranquility, of maybe a once in a lifetime inner peacefulness. I'm not saying that I've achieved this, but I feel as though I've caught a glimmer of it.

Catering to my fans

2010-03-26T21:55:00.000-04:00

I've blogged about deep philosophocal issues, sadness and depression, inner turmoil and other various heart-string pulling topics. However, I've only received comments from Viagra, an investment banker who wants me to buy his product, and some Korean chap who I, unfortunately, cannot understand.

So what to say to my frequent flyers, hmmmm.

First to my Viagra friend. You are so consistent with your once a day comments I'm so hard up to view your daily quips. Sometimes your comments leave me in a state of excitement that lasts for more than four hours and I have to call my Doctor to get advice on how to calm down. I have to be careful though, every once in a while I get nauseous, blurred vision, and have fear of getting a stroke when I view your bits of wisdom. Anyways my dear friend, keep it cuming.

Next to my investment banker friend. I'm a teacher who just bought a house and have two little kids. If you're willing to take 2 pennies and a stick of gum as a down payment for an investment in your junk bonds, I'm in. I'm sure you're a brilliant money man, why would anyone think not when you're advertising on my most famous literary site. I'm sorry I haven't visited your url yet. I've come close so many times, but my lack of confidence prevents me from being in your cyber presence, please forgive my meakness.

Lastly, I'll miss you most of all Scarecrow, I mean my Korean chum. You are such a fucking mystery my life is sent into a tailspin when I try to understand your supposed brilliance comments. I just don't know where to start. Are you South Korean or North Korean? If you are North Korean, are you a hardliner inviting me to be a comrade in the Korean Workers Party? Or are you a political refugee requesting my covert assistance? So many questions, and no answers. Perhaps you're just trying to sell me some high end ginseng to go along with my Viagra and new high society investment banking persona.

The outpouring of love is just too overwhelming I think I might cry. I'm done, the computer is now sizzling and the buttons are now slippery, but I don't want to hide my true emotions anymore. This is a new me, a better me. I now lead a richer, fuller life, a life of purpose, now that I have you three in my life. Pleace keep it coming and don't be frightened of my new found love for you all. Have a wonderful evening. Peace.

Right life, wrong timing

2010-03-15T22:11:00.000-04:00

I'm convinced that I'm living the life I'm supposed to but during the wrong time in history. I dream about a time either long ago and way ahead. A hard time, but a time where I've made a difference. I've been part of something hard and wonderful. I've battled and won, instead of wept and typed. The life I lead is hard; probably not in comparison to most throughout time. But I guess we're programmed to consider life hard for the mere fact that if it was easy we would go no further. If I had won a battle or slayed a dragon or if I ever conquer a moon beam then maybe I'll have some satisfaction.
Lonliness is but a state of mind. I'm kept company by demons and thoughts alike, the haunting of the past and the hopelessness of the future. Although I sometimes thrive on misfortune, I'd like to try and grow on sunshine. Sometimes I feel like every door I go through is a squeeze that forces the breath out of my lungs and the will out of my soul. For a long time I've run from my dark, but recently I've found it easier to accept it and understand it. Its part of me, just like the sunny side. But the dark side is the reality, its there, its tangible, but its not encompassing, it just is, just like the rest of me. I actually enjoy it, because it forces reflection on my inconsistences and insufficiencies, both of which I have run from for a long time. Whatever, its just a different part of the journey

check out my pics

2010-03-15T21:49:00.002-04:00

www.vagabondpics.blogspot.com

Black hole

2010-03-02T21:26:00.002-05:00

You ever wonder what it would feel like to get sucked into a black hole? The pressure squeezing every ounce of your being. Life can be so easy sometimes; I catch the right train, the sun it out, the day is smooth and pleasant. Then there are some days where everything is just fucked up.

I wake up every morning to get ready for work at 3:45 a.m. Eat my breakfast, do my exercises and get ready for the day ahead. At around 3:52 this morning as I watched some random science show there was a break and the commercials started. I normally pay as little attention as everyone else to commercials, but one caught my eye. It was probably the shortest, strangest, and darkest commercial I've ever seen--it probably lasted around 3 seconds. The backdrop was very...hmmmm...religious...I want to say it looked like the inside of a church. There was no sound, only words "Life is not for everybody." That is all it read. It surprised me. It depressed me. It seemed very odd to me, almost a subliminal message to the losers that stay up all night watching the science channel; or get up early to do exercises. Who or what would run this message at such a bizarre time in such a bizarre place? What did it mean for me, if anything. It was a challenge that was saying "Give up, fuck it." Well fuck that.

I've felt my inner strength my whole life. Sometimes it felt strong and warm, like it could protect me from anything and would help me do anything. Sometimes, although I knew it was still there, it was just a glimmer of its true self, hiding, waiting, watching.

Whenever a conflict occurs in my life I have the tendency to play the victim; no matter if I'm right or wrong. I've been working hard on the flaw in my personality. I never learned another way to respond when I'm attacked. Playing the victim assumes that other people will have sympathy for you and try to make you feel better; no matter if you're right or wrong.

I approached the day tentatively, walking on egg shells to work. Work started off frantic; running around, making copies, typing, forever typing and cutting and pasting lines of my life into someone elses. I was talked to and then fucked with and then expected to make the performance of a lifetime. Instead I played the referee, not once, but twice. There was static in the air; I returned a pair of keys to a co-worker and I shocked him to the point where he jumped back and said "Ouch!!" There was a negative energy permeating through the walls. But why? Where was it coming from? What was out of balance? I don't know; but it was hanging in the air like a thick fog throughout my life today.

I usually have that extra sense, I can usually feel the day. Is there energy in the air, positive or negative? Is the day flat or full of life? Today I felt nothing, numb, with a hint of apathy and depression. I would usually let those feeling conquer me and seep into my soul, but I kept it at bay today. The strength is building in me, I can feel it.

I've tried to make sense of this written diarrhea that I just splattered on this page. I had to open the drain and let the crap drain out. I still can't feel the true essence of the moment, but it does feel much lighter, which is a good thing. I don't care if the day is going to be light or heavy, I just want to be able to feel it again, in my entirety, throughout my soul.

L-train

2010-02-07T08:36:00.007-05:00

Running against the current

2010-02-06T20:29:00.002-05:00

Eight years ago I was consumed on a warm, beautiful day in mid-August. I was consumed by pain. We lived on a circular block and I must have walked around it fifteen times trying to rid my body of the pain in my stomach. I felt as though I was poisoned, cursed, doomed to endure this suffering. With tears running down my face and sweat pouring down my back I sat down on the curb and just rocked back and forth for what seemed like hours.

I was taking the bar exam for the second time. I needed to pass it to keep my job. My hopes and dreams were riding on it. I was consumed. I was filled with an anxiety and depression that reached the very depths of my being. Although I was filled with this lethargic sludge, my heart and soul felt empty. I was at a very helpless place in my life.

I don't revisit this place very often, and I don't stay very long when I go there, but it does come and often without warning. It is not a sadness so much as a consumption of misery that is inescapable. It has no exit and no rug to hide under.

I recently took a trip back to this dismal sty only to find that I did have an exit, an escape. I can't explain this blissful exodus, only to say that maybe I've put some internal mechanisms in place to deal with such events; some unconscious survival techniques. I'd just like to thank evolution and mother nature for helping me to deal with myself.

my morning

2010-01-27T07:24:00.002-05:00

sun explodes through brick
the hope of a new day tricks
the shimmer of a smile
that's been lost in denial
holds the expectation
without a proper explanation
of why it disappears
and is replaced by so many tears

the buzz of so many souls
who don't know their roles
trudge through life under the ever changing sky
with that melancholy despair look in their eye
its all about truth, lies, and survival
hope you all come to the revival

long strides, dark colors, dark faces
all fighting, working, moving to new places
without hope, without happiness, without peace
with anger, with fear, looking for a new lease
on life--this life, the one, the only
time erases both the true and the phony

Next Steps

2010-01-23T15:15:00.004-05:00

So if you're one of the many people that are not bound by the many material vices of the modern world, what's next? This is the question I was discussing with my wife as we were in the middle of a conversation about being better people. She immediately said "what about being more reflective, less angry, less stressed, happier, and being able to deal with stress better." I whole-heartily agreed with her at which point in time I promptly made a very non-reflective comment comparing our relationship with another couple's. She pointed out my error and I immediately saw my folly and realized where I was in my own fragile evolution--not there yet; but I don't know if that goal is ever reached, for anyone, in a thousand lifetimes--its all about the journey.

Life is a never ending mountain climb. As soon as you reach a plateau there is another, maybe larger rock to conquer. You know that if you stop moving, if you fail to attempt to climb that rock, the only other option is to descend. So when the external vices are under control it is then the goal to corral the internal vices that can have such a detrimental effect on other things, or people.

I guess its like anything else; if you're disciplined and consistent at controlling the negative thoughts and emotions, eventually they'll disappear. It sounds so easy in my head and looking at it on the computer screen. Its shifting the paradigm. The second part is thinking about where you want the thoughts to go. That is, if a specific situation makes you have a stressful reaction, where to you put that? If you're used to projecting your stress onto others what do you do with it? Usually a stressful situation in under your control to do something about, so it would seem logical to proceed with not projecting the negative feelings upon others and turning them inward, deal with them head-on and come up with a positive solution. This is a simple approach, and there have been many parallel philosophies that have discussed the same course of action.

But that's another dilemma, there is a clear starting point, the stress, and clear end goal, turning inward and making a potentially negative situation into a positive, but what about the middle? The journey? This is the hardest part, this is where the actual "work" is done. But its all just a state of mind, right? Believe it and you can do it, right? Again easier said than done. (sorry about the cliches, but they're true) Maybe, creating some type of emotional tracking system, where it is recorded what the stressful situation is, coming up with solutions to relieve it, following through on the solutions, and reaching the inward, positive goal is the correct course of action. I think this would be poignantly reflective and paradigm changing solution to the dilemma.

Is competition the only spark for evolution?

2010-01-17T09:26:00.001-05:00

The theory of fight or flight was first advanced by Walter Cannon, a famous psychologist in the 1920s. It was also called the "acute stress response". It basically puts words to the automatic human response to a stressful situation. This has been our history. This is who we are, how we react to stress, how we survive advance as a species. This is a very animal-like response to situations that we are forced to take action in.

As human we are animals, however, we have also been given the opportunity to use logic. The history of logic can be traced back to the great Ancient Civilizations of the past; Greece and Egypt. Logic relates to the mathematical concept of geometry, which has its origins in Ancient Egypt approximately 2,700 B.C. or roughly 5,000 years ago. When a numerical problem is presented and can be solved, it is done so with logic.

If we look at the grand scheme of things, we see that humans in their current state have been around for 6 million years. The logic was always there. It did not surface until around 5,000 years ago. That means that as humans, we've employed the use of logic, consciously, for 1/1200 of our recorded existence. By looking at it this way, we are still relatively new to the concept.

Why is logic important? It offers an alternative to the concept of this "acute stress response" symptom that has been embedded in our DNA through evolution. Instead of a fight or flight response, maybe there is an alternative. Maybe there is a way to logically think through stressful situations together, rather then possibly having a harmful, painful result. This, however, is not to discount the importance and value in the evolutionary survival technique of the fight or flight concept. Obviously, this evolutionary miracle has caused humans to survive and thrive throughout history.

So why use this strategy of logic in today's world? Simply because there is no need for fight or flight in certain situations when it used to be needed. For most of our existence as humans there was a grand need to survive, and only survive. Now (as I've posted previously) we have the ability as humans to do more than just survive; we've transitioned from the "need" to the "want." Of course, I'm writing from the perspective of the Western, non-poverty point of view. However, this relates because we have the resources, knowledge, and ability to help every society in the world do more than have the ability to survive.

Survival is based on "need." Need for water, food, shelter, and the competition for these things. Most of these "needs" are met without an unusual amount of effort in the Western world. Need to survive, in the past, often involved a competition for these things. Competition involves the fight or flight mechanism. Is the "need" great enough to have to fight for it? Or can it wait for another day/opportunity?

With the common competition for the "need" satisfied we've shifted this competition to the "want." The "want" of a better car, house, phone, or other luxury; things that are unneeded, except for that of shelter, however, in this case it is presumed that the person already has a shelter and just wants an upgrade. Do these "wants" have to be associated with the "acute stress response" mechanism that we needed in order to survive? No. We have, however, made no distinction.

Bear with me on my long and winding road here. The "wants" can included broad things like world peace, absolving hunger and poverty, seeking alternatives to conflicts that have in the past included violence, and narrow things like drug, alcohol, and substance abuse, gambling, stealing, or cheating on a spouse. This short list makes the picture clear.

Our "needs" were solved with being programmed with the "acute stress response". I also think that our "wants" have been programmed with the use of logic. All of the issues in the previous paragraph can and should be solved with logic, or at least logical thinking. We all know how to solve issues, so why haven't we? Because we're using the wrong schema. So how do we shift our response to these issues from the "acute stress response" to logic? By being conscious and reflective in the present when these situations arise.

Re-telling of a story

2009-11-15T17:10:00.000-05:00

Human history is not easily digested on a day-to-day basis; for some reason it seems to change as time marches on with different interpretations. This process just pushes history into the fictional arena. It is no longer about the facts of an event, but how the event was interpreted? Every event ever recorded has been done so with bias either ever so slight to wonderfully wicked. This is fact, not fiction. So how does history re-invent itself? How does it change?

New evidence uncovered can be one way that history can be changed, or improved. Personal narrative and cultural artifacts add to our understanding of what has happened. These personal stories help us make connections between our own lives and the lives of those that came before us; and we can find the differences and similarities.

I've been reviewing the Constitution and have grasped the idea that it is a "living" document. The framers of the Constitution, particularly Thomas Jefferson and James Madison, created a document that was somewhat vague, but brilliant. Through their words they left the future open. They may have seemed like tall-drinks-of-water with wigs, but they had the foresight and the complexity to realize that the country would go through tremendous social, economic, and political changes in it's future. Because of this forward-thinking philosophy we still have a document today that applies to today's issues. Some things are antiquated, such as the 2nd Amendment's right to bear arms, however, most of the document can still be used today.

It is important to realize our place in history; our impact on "us." Humans have been conscious of their impact for about eight-thousand years, this is when we started keeping track of what we did and why these events were important. we've gained steam over time and find ourselves at a point where personal narrative and artifacts are recorded and preserved on a moment by moment basis because of technology. I know this seems like an essay for an anthropology class, however, I'd like to begin a dialogue, or monologue, of how we can put in place the foundations for philosophical and intellectual stimulation for the future; that is, what do we, or should we have the foresight right now to set up for human kind in the future; just as Jefferson and Madison did 233 years ago? What should we make crystal clear? And what should we leave conspicuously vague?

It is clear with the population rising, global warming threatening, and the conflict between traditional societies and modern societies coming to a head, that this world will see more conflict first, before things settle. What is the ideal solution to these issues? I'm not sure, however, using the instant collaboration that modern technology affords us could be an asset to coordinating helping our fellow human.

Again I've asked many of questions and have only come up with some vague answers, if that. As I ponder this last sentence I know that the solution lies is action and not reaction; in building and not lounging.

The paralyzed horizon

2009-10-29T22:51:00.000-04:00

The mind and body cannot function without one another; they compliment, fight, and love each other. They work as inseparable partners tracing a path to some unknown destination. But yet there is that disconnect; that rare moment when the partners fail each other; when the body is light and strong, yet the mind sobs uncontrollably; when the mind is clear and relaxed, yet the body aches for sweet rest. Have you ever experienced that time during sleep when your mind is awake, but your body is paralyzed? Its fleeting, the relationship doesn't allow itself to fail. I feel like that all the time. I'm disconnected, sometimes I think from everything. But the relationship tells me I'm not; I'm honed in, ready. Where does loneliness take place? Is it a physical or mental piece? or both; probably both. I've let music and poetry steal my emotions. I'm conquered by honesty and truth, I'm devastated by deceit and misplaced anger. Innocence makes me weep because I no longer experience it. Life makes me think that I've lost the ability to brake. Love makes me yearn for it. Society makes me ill beyond belief. People impress me with their innovation and insight. I'm lost, paralyzed by my own fear and laziness; both have existed through eternity, my burden, my handicap, my job to figure it out. Sometimes I'm happy I'm me, sometimes I pine to be someone else; someone who makes it look easy. The vibrations from the bow that glides along the strings resonates in this membrane, both Mozart and Jimmy Page take turns strumming against my skull. Non-sensical rambling, the diarrhea all over this page means nothing to me now, nothing, just a bunch of garbage being emptied out so sanity can have a peak at what its missed. Peace. Love ya. See you in my paralyzed place.

Questions with obvious answers

2009-10-11T06:01:00.000-04:00

I fall asleep and dream that my wife and I fight over some insignificant issue. The fight turns ugly and I ask her if she wants us to be over, I expect her to say "No, we'll work on it." But my expectations are wrong. "Yes, I'll call the lawyer and have the papers ready tomorrow." The scene ends with us in a dark, lawyers office where nothing is happening but everybody feels the heavy tension that has engulfed the room. I remember this dream although I have not woken up.

What was that?

I wake up in my not so cozy seat to feel the train rocking back and forth, violently, like it does habitually. I have that same thought that I do whenever I wake up on the train--"This is it! The train is going to fly off the tracks. I hope it won't be too painful. Maybe I'll survive if I'm quick enough." My heart pounds against my chest as though it is knocking on my bedroom door like my mom used to do to wake me up to get ready for school.

Where am I?

I look in the mirror and notice a touch of grey and a thicker face. I look at a recent picture of me and the person smiling back has crow's feet wrapped arond his eyes. My knees need WD40 every morning. The sand in my hands seems to be trickling faster than usual and I can't find anymore to pick up.

Who am I?

My heart strains to make things perfect for my family. I don't want to fuck it up. I question every act, every decision, every step, but yet I know there are gaps that have eluded my conscious thought. I want to be the perfect worker, but god damn it, who the hell knows how to do that? Fuck it.

How do I do this?

I have ego; its unavoidable. The words that I words are as imperfect as I am>mssing an "i", wrong punctu'ation. That's ok. The words are for my own benefit anyways and will probably remain unread, just like the product manual for my broken toaster oven--random, I know, but fuck it.

Can you pass the box of tissues so I can dry my crocodile tears?

Now that I've drooled all over the keys and have slit my wrists so my melodrama has poured all over the soulless bits of manufactured plastic and metal I feel much better. I've let myself release this anxiety and I'm able to "see the forest" from where I'm standing; and its a beautiful forest. Its amazing what a little perspective can bring-sight. Fuck it, I need my glasses.

Continuim

2009-10-03T11:49:00.000-04:00

From my last post. There was an article in the paper about a recent discovery of an ancestor of man; I want to say that it was 4.5 million years ago. So if we've been around for millions of years, but this advanced technology in communication and medicine has really only been around for less than 100 years we still really don't know the true impact on society, more specifically the human being as an evolutionary project.

We can see the impact of these advances in the environment around us: global warming, international trade, vacines, twitter. But what about internally? How is it changing our evolutionary road? Our hunter/gatherer mentality that has been conditioned into our being for millions of years?

Since there is less need for physical, or even mental to an extent, competition, maybe the next step is to be collaborative, instead of combative. The Start Trek scenario where everyone works for the greater good since there is no need for conflict and competition here on earth. This hypothesis suggests that there is an actual change occuring. This knowledge, however, may not be attainable for hundreds or thousands of years. So what can we learn, theorize, or philosophize about now, today? I guess just direct observations about how life is different and the same as it was pre-industrial.technological revolution--a simple venn diagram. More to come.

Survival no more

2009-09-30T19:16:00.000-04:00

For millions of years mans basic purpose was to survive and procreate. All of our social, economical, and political structures were created around this purpose; survival. Today there are still some people living the survival paradigm, but there is also a good portion of the population who do not live in this paradigm anymore.

Some of us live in a society where basic needs are satisfied without much effort or suffering. This is due to medical and technological advances. We have entered a new phase of human history that is unprecedented and a little unreflective of the times. Since most of our social, economical, and political structures have been conditioned to revolve around the survival mentality, what happens now?

We are focused more around the want, rather than the need. So how does, or how will our common structures change? This is a pretty significant shift considering where most of our history has been focused. So whats the next step? What is a practical way of thinking about life that revolves around this new paradigm, rather than the old? Its almost like how do you react to the butterfly when we're used to dealing with the Caterpillar.

What is ever present in this new society? Technology and rapid communication. These things have sped up life, ideas, and have changed how we view different parts of the world. Is mythology dead because of this? Has fantasy flown? I will revisit this soon.

In Orbit

2009-09-26T19:30:00.000-04:00

I don't remember the first time I heard the word, but I remember that tucked in a place between consciousness and unconsciousness it remained for a very long time. I had this thought that we, as human beings are like worlds that are dense and thick with matter and that have objects that orbit them. I feel as though we all have this paradigm of the things we know that are in the light and in our line of vision, things that are there, noticed, but unrealized, in our peripheral vision, and things that are unknown, i.e. on the dark side of the moon.

I feel as though this theory of metaphysics, for me, has made its way from the peripheral to the "in the line of vision." The Oxford dictionary states that Metaphysics is "the theoretical philosophy of being and knowing." I've heard and seen the word hundreds of times, but like a scared child afraid to go into a dark room I never ventured past the pronunciation.

I guess that starting point to this issue would be weather you view metaphysics as as random or planned phenomena. If it is planned the solution is simple; you are because of a plan and you know because of a plan.

If you believe that metaphysics is a more random occurrence, then I think the solution is a bit more complex; if there is one.

Random being occurs when the right elements, temperature, and timing line up in order to support life. Then the environment and chance contribute to whether or not a species is going to be intellectually sentient of itself. I'm no mathematician, but my guess would be that the probability of these things happening is pretty small, maybe minuscule. That being said, if there is such a thing as luck I think that we humans may have stumbled upon it. Reflecting on this, it seems nonsensical how we behave as a species, i.e. seeming to destroy more than we create.

The knowing part seems like a conundrum as well. That is we are able to know that most of us use only 5% of our brains, but we aren't able to figure out how to use the other 95%. So we know, but not really. I think that a human that used all of his/her brain might observe our species and either laugh, cry, or being violently ill at our shortcomings and/or what we spend our time being concerned with.

I'm exploring the cliched "tip of the iceberg" so bear with me on my journey. I've found it helpful, though, to write my thoughts down in order to see the trees in the forest.

Evolutionatory

2009-09-25T19:22:00.000-04:00

"Its not about the destination, its about the journey". This quote has been used over and over by many. I'm not sure of its origin, but I think I really get it now. I understood it before, but now I GET IT.

I was blessed to have been born with somewhat of a above-average intellect (I'm not trying to be boastful), however, I, for a long time, lacked any real drive or motivation. I allowed myself to get by with any real effort.

Throughout High School and College I relied on my intellect to get by, but then my bubble burst. Almost from the first day of law school I realized this was a whole different situation that any I had encountered before. My world was turned upside down.

Instead of relying on intellect I turned to hard work, I was super-motivated, but more out of fear, than some drive that originated from deep down inside me. In this experience I worked harder than I had ever worked and barely survived.

I finally made the decision to be a teacher. The first four years of my pedagogical existence was based on raw survival skills that included little intellect and little motivation, but more of a flight or fright decision making scenario.

I presently feel that I am at a place in my life where I can combine inborn talent, with learned motivation and hardened by survival situations to be the person that I always fantasized I would become. I've turned that romantic person from a fantasy into a classic reality. This is my evolution, my journey.

I'm not sure what the next step is, but that's OK. Becoming self-aware of how the past has made me into the person today, and being self-conscious of the person I am right now is, I know now, an essential part of me being me. So here's to the journey, for the destination means there's an end and I'm not ready for that just yet.

Stimuli

2009-09-20T09:20:00.000-04:00

When my daughter cried last night at around 12:30 am for water a certain thought hit me. It was one of those that you better write down or you'll try to remember it in the morning with not luck.

I had this thought of a person, who from birth, experienced the same stimulation, was exposed to the same stimuli every day of his life. One day, maybe in his late thirties or early forties, the stimulation stopped. What would happen? Would he go insane because he was so conditioned to the experience of the repeated stimuli? or would he survive?

On the other hand, would we be anything without any stimulation? Probably not. Its how we respond and experience stimuli which shapes who and what we are and become.

This made me think are we, you and I not in that controlled environment, exposed to the same stimuli everyday unknowingly. We've created this safe paradigm where everything fits. This is why the unexpected provokes a heightened emotional response. My question is, if we consistently exposed ourselves to new stimuli would we expand our paradigm, thereby expanding our understanding of reason and how the world works? This seems rhetorical. Of Course. But how realistic is it to push the limits of our own reasoning or experience all the time?
Or what specific types of stimuli could help us positively expand our understanding and reasoning in the way that we want it to? But I guess if we don't know the end result of certain stimuli we don't know what the destination is. But I think that this is how all news ideas are created, trial and error; create a hypothesis and test possible solutions until something works.

More to come.

Blind Faith....Literally

2009-09-18T21:36:00.000-04:00

I've been reflecting on the purpose of ideas lately. Thanks to "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" , which is taking me an unusually long time to read, but that's OK because its like savoring a rich piece of flour less chocolate cake. Sorry, diets will usually cause food analogies.

Anyways, to jump tracks for a second (I'll connect them in a second) I was playing some music for my kids today as they jumped on the bed; a favorite past time of ours. I put on the song "Can't find my way home" by Blind Faith; a brilliant Eric Clapton collaborative album that I was addicted to when I was about 15. Although I've listened to this song hundreds of times one of the lines finally clicked.

"I just thank God for time". How is our actual existence even decided. Is it an organic, chaotic chance occurrence or by design? Who do or what do we thank for being sentient beings? Is it God? That would be an easy answer.

A Romantic answer to this dilemma is simply yes, in God's great design we exist because he/she/it has deemed it so. But where is the evidence but in scripture and long ago iffy witness accounts?

A Classic answer to the dilemma is that it is an organic chaotic chance existence. The simple evidence that I see is the creation of life by humans from flora and fauna creations to cloned beasts of burden.

This Classic/Romantic discord comes from "Motorcycle Maintenance." Its the difference between what is and what if, basically.

So we burst into our own individual existence for a limited period of time to survive, procreate, and die, right? Then why are we given the ability to perceive logic, appreciate art, feel pain, live love, indulge in emotion and contemplate concepts beyond our current realm of reasoning?

"Zen and the Art" talks about expanding our realm of reasoning to assist us in being able to answer some of the more difficult problems that confront us in our modern society where a good number of us don't have to worry about the basic rules of survival anymore. This makes sense to me, but how do we expand the realm? Which way do we go? Laterally? Horizontally?

If anyone can contribute to this conversation, please, its time to move it forward, or in a different direction.

Profoundness and glimpses

2009-08-18T21:58:00.000-04:00

Being a teacher gives me the opportunity to take serious time to reflect on life. My job is supremely challenging, rewarding, and humbling. It gives me the opportunity to have insight on the changes of adolescence, which is the most vital intellectual, emotional, and social time in one's life. That being said, that is not what this post is about. I also get time off; that is not a swipe at anyone and my tongue is not out. Just wait and see.

I believe that is a power greater than us, or parallel to us; something unseen or maybe right underneath our noses ready for us to see. Paradigm shifts have occured at various times throughout history; big ones are rare--the earth is round, it revolves around the sun, the germ theory, certain physics theories, etc...Many small paradigm shifts happen daily; societal and personal. Our minds shift as to how the normal world works. What is that next great aha moment?

I feel as though there are hints as to the next great piece of knowledge all around us. People says things non-chalantly that I've caught lately that make me think that our dimension is rubbing up against another one ready to reveal the next secret.

This sounds crazy, but I beleive that a higher intuition is the next stage in human development; an unspoken communication. I think we get glimpses of this communication from time to time; almost like flashes of lightning.

A storm is brewing and getting closer--sshhhhh, listen.

Vacation

2009-08-08T17:53:00.000-04:00

I've been staying far away from anything intellectual for a few weeks now. Holding any kind of rational or progressive thought at bay; it's like I'm waiting for the right moment. As these words flow I had no intention of writing them as I casually decided to write a post.

Life seems to be like a comet sometimes, circling the universe, leaving a trail of dust and ice. Observing from afar what no one else can see. It zips along at an incomprehensible speed, following a perfect path.

Sometimes I feel as though life is flying by just as fast, but thats the way it is supposed to be. My cliched drink in the moment quote is relevant here. What is important here? Now? What feeds the heart, brain, and soul?

As humans, we are just a dew drop of time, yet we imagine our lives as so much more, as we should. But the thoughts, emotions, relationships must mean something. When I look into my wife's loving eyes, or my childrens' adoring ones I see the meaning. Thats it. Its the connection to others.

Reflection

2009-07-29T22:22:00.000-04:00

What is reflection? It's simply seeing yourself in a mirror. How often do we really look at ourselves in a mirror: Maybe to brush teeth or if we feel something on our face that shouldn't be there. Sometimes I look into a mirror and see a person who I don't know. Who am I? Where am I? Where have I been? Other times I'll look into a mirror and really recognize the face staring back.

But these are all just surface observations. Where is that person who weaves such intricate dreams that it takes a lifetime to figure them out? Where is that person whos waking moment is touched by fleating genius...."I'll have to remember to write that down later...."

I try and look in the mirror and figure out who that person is staring back at me. What have I changed into? What have I become? Sometimes I really don't know.

There is a scene from a Tom Hanks movie, "Joe verses the Volcano", where Tom Hanks has a free pass to buy whatever he wants for his trip. A limo is driving him on his spree around town. The limo driver is a very affable, wisened gentleman. At the beginning of the spending journey Joe asks the limo driver a series of questions about what he should buy, specifically, what style. The driver turns to him and says something to the effect of "Listen, its taken me my whole life to figure out who I am, and there are still some questions, so for me to tell you your style isn't going to happen."

I know its a very surface scene, but its always had a deeper meaning for me. What is real? The only thing I know that is real right now are the plastic letters that I press and the walls around me; that is my scene. I feel conflicted, satisfied, but wanting more. My family is my world, I know that, and without them I would spiral, crumble, and die. That is what I know at this moment. Will it change? It already has in that moment.

I hope the next time I really look in the mirror I see more that a stranger, more than a scruffy face, more that two wanting eyes staring back. I don't know what I want to see, but I know its more................

The Journey waits for no one.....

2009-07-07T23:35:00.000-04:00

The Journey waits for no one.....

I've been thinking lately about how fast life goes, the components of life, what's really important and what's not. This blog is more like therapy than some artistic expression of my soul, although sometimes I hope that it comes across as that--it depends on the mood of the moment.

The Journey waits for no one.....

As often as we replay scenarios from our life in our heads and try to figure out what went wrong and what went right we begin to lose focus to what is right in front of us. I am by no means perfect, but I do like to think that I have perfect moments; when I make my wife laugh, when I know an answer no one else knows, when I save my son from the monster in his room, and when I rescue Pink-Puppy for my daughter. Hitting a home run, passing a test, having the girl say yes, achieving that goal, those are all part of perfect moments. I feel like I've lost most of mine.

The Journey waits for no one.....

I would run, ski, do a reverse lay-up, and have no fear being tackled in a football game. Now I am tender going down a six-inch step. The pain the accompanies my knees seems like it will be along for the rest of the journey. My son asks me to play leap frog, "Sorry buddy, Daddy has a boo-boo." Flash back to my Dad only playing catch with me for ten minutes before his elbow aches.

The Journey waits for no one.....

"You're brilliant" "You're special" "You have the whole world ahead of you!"........"You're average" "You failed" "You didn't get in!."

The Journey waits for no one.....

If there is a God, did the almighty do this on purpose, that is, show us what the good, perfect life is, dangle it like a golden ring, and then pull it away. Ouch, slapped in the face by the reality that is life; the hardship, the pain, the sadness, the loss of hope.

The Journey waits for no one.....

I watch my kids rejoice in bubbles. Bubbles. When did I lose my fascination with Bubbles? I wish I could still belly-laugh at Bubbles. I wish I could pretend to be a fireman, doctor, or repairman. My life is for my wife and children. I live vicariously through them; their pleasure, their pains.

The Journey waits for no one.....

I feel as though I am always waiting for the next....what? I want to enjoy the now, but sometimes I don't know how. I feel as though when I finally catch up to the next it will be too late, I'll be too old. I used to make fun of or complain about old people, but I realize that in a blink of an eye I will be there too.

The Journey waits for no one.....

I want to start living, really living; for my family and for myself. I want to make their journey worth it; worth being on this planet, worth living this life. How do I start? I start now........

Past, present, and future

2009-06-30T12:36:00.000-04:00

I have made mistakes in my life as has everyone, its just part of life; big, small, life changing, and insignificant. The past is the part of the book that's been written. We often dream of what if it happened differently? How would my life be different now? Or would it be? Is fate attached to our decisions or does free will guide us, or is it a bit of both? A sort of Dungeons and Dragons type of existence. However life works, the fact is that the past cannot be changed; it just is. In fact, it is no more. So why does it haunt us like a creaky knee from a high school football injury? I guess human nature warns us to think again before going into the poison ivy patch; we remember our past scars with searing brutality sometimes. Sometimes these scars are ever present reminding us of that mistake, that pain, that wrong decision.

The present rolls through us like waves at the beach; sometimes so serene and calm, sometimes severe and deadly. The reality is that this is the part of the equation that is inescapable; it is who we are in the moment, not in the previous moment or the next one. Watching my son and daughter romp in their little pool, with the sun looking and the wind kissing my lips, that was my beautiful present, until it quickly and predictably slipped into the past.

The future is full of expectation, hope, fear, and uncertainty. It is sometimes the place that we live because the present and/or past are somewhat undesirable. Or it is the place that we fear because the present and the past are/were so serene, and we don't want it to change.

All I really know is this--in this present moment I am good at being a Dad, a husband and a friend. I am a decent teacher, writer and artist. I am healthy, but my joints are aging quickly. I am good with stress. I am good at having grand ideas, but not following through on all. I rely on the hope that everything will just work our as long as I'm a good person and a hard worker. I am naive to how to proceed in certain situations, and brilliant in others. I'm 32 years old and in some respects I feel my life is over, and in some respects I feel my life has just begun.

Again I've become the Rambling Madman. To wrap up, I can't apologize for my past mistakes anymore, both to myself and to others, it is what it is and cannot be changed. I feel confident in the present, confident that I will not repeat those mistakes, confident in the love of the people in my life, and I am hopeful that the future will bring great and wonderful things to myself and the people that I love the most.

Tension

2009-06-22T21:34:00.000-04:00

What is tension? The simplest thought I have about tension is the rubber-band. Not a very hot topic of conversation or center point of a novel, but the simply, lowly rubber band can explain alot. Rubber bans can be strong, weak, resilient, and dry out; but if enough tension is added to that wonderful band of rubber it, of course, breaks.

Sometimes you can feel the tension in the air; like an invisible force that everyone in a certain area is affected by; blood-pressure up, adrenaline pumping, senses alert. Tension; what will the outcome be? Will the band break or hold?

I remember the day after 9/11 I was driving close to my apartment and another car cut me off. I honked, gave a middle finger, and yelled some expletives. The other driver got out of his car. I got out of mine. Tension. We cursed at each other and then stared each other down, like gunslingers. The tension eased. We both got back in our cars, hearts pounding and drove off.

This past Father's day I was driving my family to dinner when we stopped at a light. I was simply having a conversation with my wife and the kids were sleeping in the back seat. No tension. I looked over at the lane next to me and saw two men get out of their cars and walk towards each other threateningly. Tension. I rolled down the window instantly stung by a stream of curses and, yes, tension. I said "Guys, relax!! Its Fathers Day, you don't want to fight on Fathers Day!"--no reaction, the tension was rising. I tried to quell the situation again, but to no avail. Chests started bumping. Tension was almost at it's climax. I quickly put the car in park and leaped out of the car, forcing my way in between the two men. Tension say "What do I do?" I push the men apart and look into both of their eyes "Guys" I say in a soft tone, "Its Fathers day, relax." The rubber band relaxes with a sigh. The men don't utter a word, they just give me a tired frown and walk to their respective cars. Tension-0, Madman-1. I climbed back into my car and continued the journey.

Tension can be hidden in a glance or a whisper, it can glide across a warm breeze or a snowflake. Tension can be as clear as the nose on your face and as plain as a crinkled brow. It can punch you in the face or cut through you like a well thought out insult.

Two rams jousting, two sharks circling, its out there. How do we deal with it? How do we resolve it? It is part of us, it spurs us, it is part of Darwin's survival of the fittest. Just a thought. So next time you pick up the little piece of rubber I hope it has some extra special meaning to you.

Power

2009-05-22T21:39:00.000-04:00

The Oxford definition of power is: (n)(3) dominance, mastery, rule, command, ascendancy, sovereignty, domination.

Why would I write a post about power? Because power, and the use thereof, surrounds us and is part of our lives everyday whether we know it or not. From large uses to very subtle ones. From tangible to intangible. From real to imagined. This post could turn into a doctoral thesis or a research book; how does power affect our everyday life? Do we even know it affects us? How does each of us use power and respond to other peoples' use of it?

This is just one of the topics that has been attached to the membrane for sometime and has not figured out a way to detach until this moment. Humor me!

There are obvious sources of power: money, political esteem, weaponry, brilliance of mind, use of manipulation, and unusual physical attributes-to name a few. We are all witness to these sources of power; whether we recognize them or are just conditioned for them to be a part of our life that there is no such recognition, is inconsequential.

The face to face conversation where both participants make eye contact and the first one to break that contact unofficially gives in to the other superiority. The swagger and confidence of a person who knows they just have it. The failure to acknowledge a challenge that results in the unacknowledgers silent win. Cliques; whether in reality or cyberspace.

Why discuss power? It is part of the human condition; part of our hard-wiring. This is why we don't recognize or acknowledge it all of the time; because its such an essential part of our makeup, i.e. second nature.

Your history lessons are all about power; who overcomes which conflict? Entertainment, from drama to comedy, is all about power and conflict. Our sports, our jobs, our relationships, all about power--who has it and how do they use it.

Power can be draining, but I think it is what keeps our species evolving. Without power, without these daily conflicts we would idle, we wouldn't know how to move forward and conquer the small battles.

I think the trick is how we each handle our daily experiences with power; the old flight or fight situation. Do we need to win every little battle? Probably not, its probably an impossibility anyway. Food for thought. I'm interested in your thoughts.

Memories, condolences, and obituaries

2009-05-19T22:21:00.000-04:00

Well its been almost a year since I lost two people who were very important to me. I had watched both my Nanny and my Great-Uncle age quickly over the last few years; shadows of who they once were. During June of 2008 both past-away within twenty days of each other, one barely mourning the other. I know they needed to comfort each other in death as they had in life, so it was sort of fitting.

I haven't dealt with it, haven't really reflected on it, or remembered a whole lot about their deaths or their lives; I don't feel guilty about this, just a need to do this. I loved both of these people dearly, their were an important, character changing part of my childhood and early adulthood, until both started to deteriorate. They were the part of my childhood that made me feel safe, comforted, like a warm blanket just out of the dryer.

My Nanny would give you anything you wanted, and all she asked in return was to have a little attention thrown her way, maybe a conversation or a card game. She had her strong opinions, but in the end she loved all. I will miss her for as long as I shall live and will eagerly wait to see her in the after life. She loved her family and her family loved her. I hope she is with my Grandpa and Uncle in peace.

My Uncle Jerry made everybody laugh; that's what I remember him most for. He was the consummate perfectionist; a mathematician for the Pentagon, who fought under Patton and always pressed as to what happened to the two missing points on a math test when I received a 98. He was that rare person who could tell an absorbing, meaningful story, while at the same time have you in stitches relating to his many life observations. He would always start out a conversation with me be reminiscing about a story that I was too young to remember. He would always say "My David" like he was my guardian angel in life, not a Great-Uncle separated my miles and years. He always had a scratchy beard, but I never shied from his kisses or hugs. I miss him so every day.

About two months ago I had a dream where there was a white light right behind me and in front of me was a mix of brown, black, and greys. I came to a woman sitting in a chair with two men standing on either side of her and various people in the near background. I knelt down and it was my Nanny, a younger version sitting in the chair flanked by my Uncle and Grandpa who were both smiling. With happiness in her voice she told me that she was doing fine and that she was with her husband, brother, and family; at this point I realized that the people in the background were relatives and ancestors from years ago. This dream was not contrived or planned, in fact I question if it was a dream at all, or a glimpse into another 'place.'

I know I could never do justice to two wonderful people who lived long, full lives, in a few simple paragraphs, but I needed to do something. May their memories live on through us--Peace.

Windows to the Soul

2009-05-15T21:36:00.000-04:00

I believe we all have a soul; some kind of eternal energy or being that transcends life, death, and everything in between. As humans we are constantly changing, evolving, adjusting to life and the challenges that we all face.

I often try to peek into peoples' souls by glancing at their eyes. Most of the time I see something; at least a glimmer. With my 'munchkins' I sometimes do the Larry David stare that implies me wanting to extract the truth from a certain wayward situation.

I did that today to a 'munchkin' who seemed a bit beside herself. The result of my peek was nothing. I felt as though I was peering into a cloudy marble; their was no entrance, no humor or curiosity would help me gain my portal.

I had never experienced this denial of the soul, not even a brief glimmer. This 'munchkins' soul must be wrapped so tightly in fear, anger, and helplessness that the light is almost non-existent. Its makes me sad to experience this, even for the briefest of moments, for this 'munchkin'.

To be lost and forever scarred and scared at such a young age; and to know that this is probably the tip of the iceberg, for I'm sure there are others just like her. She may torture me for the time that we spend together, but I'm sure that it is nothing compared to what her own mind and experience have done and still do to her.

So for all those children, and people who are lost, or wrapped so tightly in their own fear and loathing that they can't see the worth in life, I will say a prayer for you and try to send some positive karmic thoughts to try and break that emotional traffic jam. My tears will be sent to try and clear yours.

In the words of the great Chris and Rich Robinson:

Soul Singing by Black Crowes. Artist: Black CrowesAlbum: LionsTitle: Soul Singing
Written by: r. robinson & c. robinson

"I've been downCascading and blue w/out a sound
Now i've traded my black feathers for a crown
So feed me milk & honeyLay me downLay me down
Look around
Show me holy places not yet found
Let's disappear and we'll hide underground
We'll get high and we'll feel safe & sound
It comes around arayayayound
Chorus:You got my soul singing my soul singingYou got my soul singing my soul singingYou got my soul singing my soul singingYou got my soul singing my soul singing

Home bound
Tired of tired of running town to town
Tired of my heart turned upside down
Now my life's a smile not a frown
The soundThe sound."

Lyrics contained within lyrics.astraweb.com subject to US Copyright Lawsand are the property of their respective authors & Black Crowes, artists and labels.Commercial use prohibited. lyrics.astraweb.com is a not-for-profit resource. All advertising proceeds are used to maintain its servers.

frustration

2009-05-09T22:47:00.000-04:00

To start off on a topic that I did not wish to cover this post might not be meant to be, considering I typed it on Microsoft Vista and tried to cut and paste it onto this format and it disappeared. And it might have been the most brilliant piece of writing thought of and conveyed to an audience in about the last 3 seconds.

I haven't posted in a while and that's OK. It is shame though. I often wake up on the Long Island Railroad, jarred awake by the shaking of the cab, making me wonder if this box of metal, plastic, and rubber could jump off the tracks plunging us into certain death. I've come to realize and analyze that at this moment I put all of my anxieties and fears into that waking nightmare.

As life rushes by I contemplate all the usual philosophical questions that have been thought countless times over by countless people. I do believe in the collective unconscious and I believe that I don't contemplate certain issues because those issues have already been resolved by the collective. If your following my train of thought, thank you, and no pun intended.

I think of how I spend 5 hours a day, 25 hours a week, 100 hours a month, and 1000 hours a year riding public transportation. That's roughly 24 full days a year being shaken, not stirred by a metal box, my ass molding into pleather seats. Alot of contemplation, book reading, and sleeping. Observing the human condition. I wonder what it would be like to spend the next 20 years commuting; that would be about a full year and a quarter of my life spent on public transportation. I hope there is no transportation in the after life, or that they invent a transporter machine soon(my small ode to Star Trek). I guess its better than spending time in other even less glorious situations.

Rewind to my subway ride. As I enter the less superior utilitarian iron box I slump into a hard plastic seat, exhausted from having seventh graders pull off my finger nails one by one all day. I slather the anti-bacterial liquid onto my hands and pretend that it is a shield from the diseases of the world. I whip out my book and begin to read. My brain tired my concentration wanes and I seek the solace of observation.

I peek up just above the rim of the book to see who my fellow travelers are. Everyone from young to old, coal black to stare into the sun white, faces as scared as the moon, and as smooth as the porcelain under your feet are on display. Not many are smiling, most caught in their own membrane contemplating different or similar subjects, no one knows or do we?

We spend most of our thinking time trying to figure out how we are different or special or unique, but in the grand scheme of things I think that we are all very similar, our misery, joy, sex, fight, flaws..........The only thing that separates us from the other inhabitants of this tiny planet is our ability to reason, and even that if flawed on a daily, or momentary basis. Our ability to choose right from wrong, depending on what acts and words fit into each category.

This life is a constant struggle, but most of us want to see it to its end, and rightfully so, the good times are definitely worth it; we just all wish that there were more to breath in.

Its time for bed; see you all in the collective, and this time, try to bring an original thought, I'm getting a little bored.

Pet Peeves

2009-04-19T09:06:00.000-04:00

Well now that you all know that I'm so oil-of-olay sensitive to comments here is my shallow post. I have pet peeves as we all do and I'm going to share three of my favorite: the side stander, the non-acknowlegder, and the story-trapper--if I don't have a trademark on these terms I now claim them in the name of Madman. Just to give you a pre-text I will give you a general definition followed by an example, can't help it, it's the teacher in me.

First, the side-stander. definition: This is a person who, while you are in line, any line, comes up behind you and instead of remaining behind you snuggles up next to you. Forgive me but the purpose of a line is for one noun to be in front and the other to be in back. Now I like drawing outside the lines as much as the next person, but not in this situation. Know your place side-stander!!! Which is not next to me, diagonal to me, but purely and directly behind me. Don't talk to me, I'm just not that social. The other day I bought planting flowers at the store with my daughter and while in line a women comes up with her cart and stands next to me. "Get away!" mind of the madman e.s.p.'s to the side-stander. "How much did you pay for those flowers?" side-stander. "None of your god damn business and go check for your lazy self (mind of madman). "$12.95 for 32" Noraml me. "Wow that's robbery!!" side-stander. I nod, "Go scratch!" (mind of madman). I pay and quickly leave the side-stander in her proper place.

Next peeve, the non-acknowledger. Definition: Someone you know, are an acquaintance of, or have had at least a memorable conversation of; basically someone who you have a memory of and who, you know, has a memory of you. The situation is that you encounter this person, try to make eye-contact and even make an acknowledging gesture; the smiling-nod and the nervous wave to name a couple. Again I was shopping with my daughter, now in the supermarket, and I see someone I used to work with in the same isle pushing a cart. I see him and he makes brief eye-contact with me and I make the smiling nod. He turns away and starts whistling acknowledging the chicken stock instead. As I passed him I smiled to myself confounded as to why my attempt was thwarted, not disappointed, just confused. Maybe I smell, that's probably it. I asked my daughter if I smell, she just wanted bubbles. I saw this "ghost of the past" one more time in the store from a distance, him knowing I was there and choosing to ignore that fact, me crushed beyond all recognition (sarcasm of course).

Final peeve, the story-trapper, the one peeve I aspire not to be; I hope I'm not being oximoronish (is that even a word? If yes, I call dibs on the royalties). Definition: person who you meet at any social event that traps you in a pointless, uninteresting story, where you zone out and tell yourself that you must have done something horrible in a past life in order to deserve this torture. Unfortunately I don't have a recent example of this. Let your membranes reminisce.

So there you have it. Maybe these are flaws in me, in others, or just in the human condition, or a little of each, or not flaws at all. Pet peeves, we all have them, things that bother us for one reason of the other, things that in our own tiny paradigms just don't fit or don't seem right.

We are all trapped, happily or not, inside of ourselves, from birth to death, dealing with life's experiences and how it impacts us and the world around us. It can be confusing, exciting, depressing, and crystal-clear, all at once or not at all.....peace.

When the Bubble Burst

2009-04-11T22:35:00.000-04:00

I grew up in a bubble. I didn't want for much, no abuse (that I was aware of), no severely traumatic moments (except the usual), all the trappings of a comfortable suburban childhood. So when did the bubble burst?

I remember waking up in the middle of the night sweating, not knowing where I was......Then I remembered I was working three pathetic jobs having just failed the Bar exam for the fourth time. This wasn't how life was supposed to turn out, things were supposed to be easy, weren't they?

I tried to go back to sleep, peeking at my lovely wife who had all the faith and confidence in me that I didn't have. She would be dreaming of family and love and future, where I was traumatized trying to figure out how to make her dreams come true.

"Where is life going to take me?" I asked my cat, who was the only one awake, and supposedly hanging on my every word. Maybe I was dreaming and I'll really be living the life I'm supposed to be living when I wake up, probably not.

I wipe the sweat off my forehead, the cool breeze hits it and reminds me what reality really is.

Instead of letting the anxiety bind me in the straight jacket, I repeat my mantra "You're a good person, keep working hard and be honest and things will work out." I have repeated this mantra hundreds of time, not letting it slip past the frontal lobe.

I'm slowly drifting back to sleep and as I'm gripped by its paralyzing sweetness I feel a little dampness begin to form against my temple and realize that the bubble no longer exists, it has burst all over me; and this is me weeping for the loss of it.

It's now five or so years later, I have a beautiful family, a secure job, and am truly happy. But I sometimes ask myself would I be where I am today if I didn't have those night terrors? I don't know. I know the bubble needed to break. I know that life is cyclic. And I know not to mess with Karma. That is life.

The Human Experience

2009-04-09T09:11:00.000-04:00

What is the human experience?

We basically have 80 years of life to suffer and enjoy all. What connects us is empathetic, sympathetic, or envious situations; and that applies to both suffering and joyous occasions.

I had an interview yesterday. Most of you can relate to the interview experience: making sure your shoes are just right (which no one looks at), making sure your breath doesn't smell like stale coffee, and making sure your hands don't have that layer of nervous sweat.

I arrived a half hour early, sat down, heart fluttering like a humming bird. I reviewed all the little tidbits of information that might give me that slight edge, or so I'd convinced myself. I took some slow deep breaths to calm the mind, disillusioning myself into a sense of calm.

"Oh, you're here! Please fill this out, we'll be right with you." I now prepared to have my whole life examined; a mere 32 years disected in a matter of minutes. Would these strangers really see the true me? Probably not, but hopefully they'll get a glimpse.

Like a dream it begins without warning or preface; hands shake, introductions made and slightly forgotten amidst the stifling situation. "What was your name again?" I asked; the first crack in my stoicism appears.

The questions and answers swing by like a awkward pendulum, some expected, some not. The probing of the soul continues, the spotlight in the interogation room, senses sharp, now becoming dull.

"Thank you Mr. Madman!" Is that a real smile, or just courtesy? Its like the end of a first date; is the kiss on the cheek true affection or a farewell peck? Mind swirling like a tornado I get up and leave, hoping not to trip and break my soul.

The next part is the hard part, the ping-pong game of going back and forth between I nailed it and I failed miserably; and no matter how strong some of us pretend to be, we all experience this part.

The human experience often involves periods of time when we sleep on the thorns while hoping for the petals. This shared experience binds us all together for better or worse, probably a dash of both.

Cheers!! Hears to the journey!! May it be long and filled with experience.

Rules! Pressure! and More Rules!

2009-04-05T00:16:00.000-04:00

Well I've been told not to sound cliche, cheesy, or embarrass anyone. But I love all things French including fondue and naked push ups. And i enjoy Breaking rulesss/

Living with a perfectionist is like being the chief of staff for the President of the United States; let your collective minds wander. My wife is beautiful, brilliant, honest, and the best person that I know. There is a reason that I felt as though we were meant to be together even before we met, and will be together travelling into the great unknown; unless she runs me over with a car. The advice tonight that I will be applying is the "be brutally honest" part. So here it goes, here is my work day at a glance or glimmer, whatever you prefer.

I will use an analogy, subsequently, to explain a typical day in the life commuting to and teaching in Washington Heights, just north of Harlem, in NYC.

I was 10 years old and just got a new dirt bike, it was late spring or early summer, I don't remember which. It was the time of year when the sun rose early and was warm, an ahhhh satisfying warm, and the shade was a cool crisp mist, refreshing and reminiscent of a season past.

I was going to ride this new bike over every bump and ditch in a 2 mile radius as fast as my 10 year old body would take me; this was my aspiration for the day. I sat down on the stoop to tie my shoes glancing at the magnificent new vehicle: the rubber tires with the small rubber icicles still standing from each individual tread, the fresh smell of the grease on the chain, and the unscuffed profile. I was ready, hopeful, as excited as a ten year old boy could be.

My younger sister decided to tag along and followed me as I cut along the lawn at break-neck speed. As I approached the road, my first major test awaited, the shallow ditch before the hard surface; I would turn it into a jump, flying high and landing smoothly........

Over the handle bars, face and forearms meeting asphalt. A momentary slow motion where flesh and concrete were one. In that moment the road felt cold, hard. The moment stretched into the reality that it actually happened; yes, I crashed!

In those seconds after the crash, that time period when I realized that yes I was hurt and bleeding, but no I wasn't seriously injured, the moment balanced itself out. On my knees, assessing the damage, part of me was enveloped in the cool, damp shade and part of me was in the warm, comforting sun and each was reassuring. Each reminds me that the day is still young and will be long, that the scratches hurt, but will heal. I can't wait to see if the bike is ok and I can continue my expedition.

Next time I will open up the membrane and share some real experiences from the Heights with you, rather than stumble about in analogy and memory. I hated the pavement in the moment, but I treasure its memory now.

maestro primero

2009-03-28T22:42:00.000-04:00

No. This is not a spanish blog, not that there would be anything wrong with that. It just feels eerily similiar to the first day I tried to teach pre-civil war US history to my bilingual 7th graders. My brain saying to me, "ummm... even if they understand my ramblings, do they truly comprehend it? Do they even care?"

At least, that is what I find myself asking myself every day, multiple times, "Who cares?"

We all deal with the political bullshit of our jobs, families, and other semi-complex social situations. But...

Are we advancing?
Are we learning anything?
Does it matter?

I contemplate much, forget most, and learn little from these day to day encounters.

Then, as I leave my one world behind and tromp to the iron death box for the roller coster ride down town, I take a break from the adventures and hardships of Lewis and Clark.

I glance at the people who have decided to fill this subway car at the exact time that I briefly inhabit it. Who are they?

Life is taking place: the young mothers are plying their child with cheetos and chocalate milk, all the while texting a life they wish they had. The night shift worker with the off gray dusty carhart and mud crusted timberlands is snoring. His head is nodding like he is agreeing with the shaken, but not stirred dream he's having...........

Okay...that's all I've got for now....

Yes. I have made some errors, and my thoughts have just dribbled out. I will hone my talents and hopefully come back to you soon with a more directed vision of the human soul. Till then, remember evolution is revolution. It has just started.